15 May 2012 Journal Pages

It's so weird looking back at these pages that I did more than a month ago. It's like I'm stuck in some weird surreal fantasy that I keep expecting to wake up from. When I woke up this morning I didn't know where the hell I was for a minute. I know we'll get through all of this and I'm trying to take things bit by bit. 

We're all home now. We went back East for a week to say goodbye to my Dad as well as to help my Mom. I almost didn't go. It's not that I didn't love my Dad (I love him so much that every time I think about what happened my heart just aches) it's just that I didn't want to have to see him there (at the funeral home. I couldn't look at him in the casket. I asked Tristan if he was okay and the funny thing was that Tristan said, "I've seen him like that a lot." (meaning my Dad was big on taking naps and that it looked like he was sleeping.) but I just didn't want that to be my last memory of him. I'd rather my last memory of seeing my Dad was him driving away from TF Green Airport in Providence in January after dropping us off.) 

In the end, I'm glad that we decided to go back. I tried to keep busy the Saturday, Sunday and Monday before we left for home with my artwork. I finished up my latest online class (I poured my heart and soul into it. I had been working on it kind of hush hush for over a month already) and focused everything on that class. Working on art has always helped me and that class helped me immensely. 

Last Tuesday we left for Boston. The flight was long and I started a journal for my Dad which I'll be sharing here. It'll be a mix of photos, mementos and other things. I've only done the cover, inside cover and one page so far. I am hoping to unpack the suitcases and other stuff so I can sit on the living room floor, spread out my stuff and get to work in it. I know it will help me to process what's going on.

So now we're home in Los Angeles again. It's been a rough week yet at the same time being with family and friends helped. My husband and son have been amazing through everything giving me so much love and help. It helps knowing that I have family and friends to lean on when I need them. I love them so much.

Tristan and I will be back next month for two weeks. In between teaching classes and seeing friends and family, our goal is to get my mother packed up and moved out of their apartment in Braintree. It'll be a tough two weeks but it will be good to see family and friends as well as to be able to do what I love to do so much (teach classes and make art.) 

I'm keeping myself busy now getting ready for my summer classes. I have lists made and am getting things done bit by bit, day by day. I know it's all a process and I am not beating myself up over anything. I'll get through this, we all will. I just need to surround myself with what I love the most (family, friends, art, books, films, healthy food and long walks.) I'm also trying to take up what my Dad used to do which is to call family members. Some I will call daily, others every now and then. I want to keep everyone together and in touch just like he did even if it was just a quick two minute phone call to let them know that he was thinking of them and hoping they were well. Dad would've wanted us to do that.