22 June 2012 Journal Page

It's been a month since June 9, 2012 when my world as I knew it changed forever. It's been a roller coaster of a month. I know I'm still in shock as well as denial. I keep wanting (and expecting) the phone to ring. After classes this past weekend, I kept thinking the phone would ring as Dad ALWAYS called me after class to see how things had gone and how my day was. It's hard adjusting to not getting a regular phone call but also in knowing that I'll never see him or talk to him again. He's gone. I have to learn how to live without being able to pick up the phone and call him whenever I wanted or having him as my road trip buddy. It's an odd lesson and one that I know will take some time.

It's also weird as people don't know what to say. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't expect anything. I have been somewhat taken aback when folks are shocked to hear that I'm still teaching. First off, I'm not independently wealthy and I have to work but much more so is that I am very lucky in that I LOVE what I do. Art keeps me going. My students keep me going. I honestly don't know where I'd be without art and my students. YOU GUYS are the ones who keep me sane. 

I don't want to sit at home and cry (though I have no problem doing that once in a while as I know it's a necessary part of grieving. I just don't want to do it constantly. My body is tired of crying. I am tired of crying.) I want to learn how to work through this, to heal my scars and to honor my Dad in the best way possible. I want to be the best I can be utilizing the life lessons that he taught me so well. So, staying home and wallowing in grief is not an option. Working in my journal, teaching classes (both in person as well as online) and being surrounded by family, friends and things that make me smile and fill my heart are extremely important to me, those are my necessities right now. My life that I love so very much (along with time) will help me to heal. Dad's love, lessons and memories will never be forgotten. How could someone like him ever be? He touched the lives of so many people that I hope that with time, the thought of his memory leaves people with a smile on their face, a good story to tell or laughter. That's the way Dad would've wanted to have been remembered.  

“And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure . . . And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!' And they will think you are crazy. It will be a very shabby trick that I shall have played on you...”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince