Merry Christmas

The hardest part about Christmas is always the empty chairs, especially that chair.

I sat on my Mom's couch last night listening to Christmas music and looking at the tree that she put up just for us in her new home she's not even living in yet. She wants today over with. This year seems to be harder than last year and none of us thought that would even seem possible.

Every day that passes is a day that brings us farther away than June 8, 2012. The last day that I spoke with my Father. I try to honor and carry him with me every day but it's so hard. It's hard when the phone doesn't ring. It's hard when no one calls and asks, "What are you doing?" (His way of saying hi.) It's hard when the radio plays a favorite song of his or even passing a jar of cashews or anything that reminds you that he's not here.

Things change. They say that's life but some days it hurts more than you thought it would. Some days the tears don't want to stop.

What do you do? You try to be gentle with yourself and with those around you. You try to stitch up your broken heart only to have it tear again. Life. Again. A constant cycle of mending and loving and living and being. We go on carrying our loved ones with us. We try to remember that we're not alone in our being human. We reach and grasp for what we can. We hope that tomorrow is gentler and kinder than today.

Today? For me, I'll watch my beloved son and little nephew open their presents. I'll watch my new niece with her wide blue eyes take everything in. I'll be gentle, or at least try to be. I'll listen to my Dad's music and remember his wonderful laugh and full heart. I carry him with me every day.

Merry Christmas to you.

Comments

What a beautiful tribute to your Dad's love, Kelly. I am thinking of you. As for me, I allowed myself a moment of "missing bad" instead of "good" yesterday morning...I missed my Dad so much. I can still hear his laugh...and I think how different life would have been these past few years if he were with us. Your Hannah is beautiful. What a sweetie! My VERY pregnant daughter, Michelle, is waiting...any day now...hard to imagine that I will actually be a grandma. When I see your niece, I see you and your Dad in her little face and hair color! Big hugs to you, Kelly.
Joan Whitmore said…
You were blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with your father.
Jolene said…
Kelly, it's painfully easily to relate to this post.
I lost my Mom, Dad, best friend (of 60+ years), and older brother, all within a short time span.

I choose to believe that EVERY time I think of them (which is basically ALL the time), they are there beside me. It's the only way I can deal with it.

When my Mom passed I asked my Dad..."now what do we do?", and in his wisdom of 90+ years at the time said "we just keep living..."

Love and hugs, sweet girl xox
Teresa R said…
I, too, can relate to this post. I lost my daughter Oct 2011, and my mom Aug 2012. I miss both of them. They both really enjoyed the Christmas and could really decorate.
Ahh! Thanks for sharing ( :
I hope you have a lovely New Year!
Sandy said…
Big hugs to you. I said a prayer for you and your entire family yesterday. I knew it would be hard.

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